One More Time Before Forever

Can you believe that in 9 months you are only scheduled to see your child one time after the initial "let's find out if you're really pregnant" screening? (crowd: "What? Really? No way!") I know! That's what I thought, too! It seems ridiculous that the only image you should have of your beloved child should happen at 20 weeks gestation and then never again until you hold the little one in your arms another 20 weeks later.  

Well, I am here to say that I could not wait until his birth to see Christian again. I had to see my little buddy one more time before I held him. And I really wanted Ken to experience our child in 3D (coming to a theater near you!) since they didn't have 3D when his other children were in the womb.

So, without further ado, here is my beloved...My Redemption...

Hands! He loves his hands...wouldn't put them down!

Christian holding his beloved umbilical cord

His little boy part...it's so cute!

Beginning to yawn

Beautiful dreamer

Loves those hands

Precious Boy

Sleeping with his cord

Perfectly Pouty Lips

Pursing his lips

Sleeping

2D profile

2D/3D side by side of the same image

The Line in the Sand...

I got a call from my doctor today that was most unpleasant. 

No, no...there is nothing wrong with Christian as far as we know (they will conduct a test to make sure he is ok next week)...but I sort of got a wake up call about some of my behaviors. 

125 pounds-goal weight-super healthy

Most of my friends and family know that I lost a ton of weight before I got pregnant. I was hot! (Seriously. I can say that because it was true...plus, look what happened! I totally got knocked up...) I did it by eating right and exercising; no big mystery to losing weight, is there?

As soon as I found out I was pregnant I tried to maintain my healthy lifestyle. In fact, I was committed to not being one of those women who just "blows up" because she's pregnant. I would go to the gym at first and work out hard...but the first trimester sleepiness set in and suddenly my time at the gym became nap time.

Then there was the smoking. Yes, I was a smoker. I still am a smoker...meaning, I love to smoke (just because you give up an addiction doesn't mean you don't still love it). It was my only vice! And I gave it up at 8 weeks. Well, let me tell you what happens when you quit smoking cold turkey (pregnant or not):

1) Your body suddenly searches for the dopamine that it used to get from smoking. (It's like a "happy" chemical produced in the brain...ever wonder why crack addicts have a hard time knocking the habit? Dopamine is the answer. The drugs produce a "fake" dopamine that gives you that "ahhhh...now that's better" effect...like after a hit off a cigarette).

2) There are only two substitutions for dopamine (of the non-drug sort)...sex and carbs.

3) I chose carbs.(Don't get me wrong! Sex is great! But who you gonna call when you're on lunch break??? Mr.Zaxby's or your hubby on the other side of town??)

Sooo, my first trimester cravings were fierce anyways, right? But now add in the super-ultra-gimme-some-of-those-donuts-urges and you create a health problem for yourself and your baby.

I found out today that I failed...yes FAILED...my gestational diabetes test. I tried to convince myself that I was not suffering from gestational diabetes; tried to tell myself that I would know if I was. But you don't know until you are tested. The side effects (if you even have any) look a lot like pregnancy itself! For example: frequent urination, fatigue and extreme thirst. Ummm...hello! That IS pregnancy!

The side effects on the baby are scary. I mean, anything unhealthy for you is unhealthy for the baby, right? Well, even more so with gestational diabetes. So, that means I gotta change. No more "eating whatever I want because I will lose it all after the baby is born". I have to eat a special diet (similar to the one I was on before I got pregnant...imagine that!) so as not to be medicated. (Remember? I don't want to be medicated for any reason at all during this pregnancy!)

So, that's it. I can't believe I was so careless. I suppose much of this pregnancy seems so surreal that I feel detached in a sense from the "cause and effect" of my actions. But now is the time to step it up and make wiser decisions! Here are some great sites to check out about gestational diabetes...

This one is a blog from a dr. about gestational diabetes

And this one gives the definition and the "why's" and side effects

In Other News:

-My iron levels are very low. I have to take prescribed iron tablets and prescribed prenatal vitamins.(This concerns me when I add in the fact that I also have low platelet levels...FABULOUS!)

-My appointment to see Christian in 3D/4D was canceled on Monday this week due to the horrible weather...rescheduled? I don't think so. We have to go to a special place in Atlanta at this point. You are welcome to read my note on facebook for additional rants on that one!

-Week 31 commences on Tuesday...and starts with a doctor's appointment promptly at 8am and then followed by a 2pm 3D/4D ultrasound. Expect a blog displaying beautiful pictures (and maybe even a video!) of my precious Christian come Tuesday night!

Why a Doula?

Since the beginning of time women have helped other women give birth. Women would gather round one another and help to soothe the woman in labor to create a comfortable and safe environment where the mother could go through the throes of labor knowing she was surrounded by love and harmony. The laboring mother knew the final stage of her journey into motherhood would be a difficult one, but she also had faith in her body and the people supporting her through the final phase of pregnancy. 

Today, labor looks almost 100% different. Today, you are expected go to a brightly lit hospital with machines and needles and fluids and medicines completely foreign to your body and do the one thing your pregnant body was meant to do in an alien world so different from the comfort of your own home. Your support network? A doctor, who hopefully has your best interest at heart and isn't just thinking about their next tee-off time, or a midwife, who hopefully still remembers that the reason people choose midwives instead of doctors is for the experience described in the first paragraph and not the second.

But what if you could still have the comfort of your own home and compassion from a woman who is your labor advocate on top of the knowledge and science of a medical professional? What if you could have a liaison from the ancient art of labor to the scientific world of birth? Would this not be ideal?

As I have expressed before, I want to have a natural un-medicated birth. Study after study shows the negative effects of medications and pain relievers (including epidurals) during labor and delivery on the child and mother. Don't believe me? Research it yourself! The studies will shock you. Many women think about having an un-medicated birth, even plan on it, but few succeed because they do not have the right support system. It's like saying, "I want to be a gold medal gymnast" and then not having a coach to help you train! How absurd, right?

And that is why I have hired a doula. I have hired my personal trainer and coach for labor. She will help me labor at home for as long as possible and then support me in the delivery room by acting as a liaison between the medical staff and my birth plan. She is an experienced woman in the art of labor. She is the one who says, "Alright, Steph! Let's go for a walk and get that baby lined up and ready to come out!" She is the one who says, "Alright, Steph! Let's getcha in a hot tub to relax that back!" She is the one who encourages with, "I know, Steph. It's not easy, but you are doing so well! Try breathing like this between contractions." She is what your midwife was intended to be. She does what the women of ancient times did to help each other during nature's most violent and natural of all occurrences. She is a doula. And though she is not a medical professional, she provides more care and comfort than any doctor or nurse or pain reliever ever could. 

I feel confident in my decision and plan for the birth of my son, Christian. I pray that I have a normal labor with no complications. And I hope that my son and husband will appreciate the selfless choice that I have made.

29 weeks...Fully Self-Absorbed

Me and Ken at the Big Night Out

What a loooooooong week! With my business finally slowing down, I thought I would be so happy...I mean, I thought I would miss the time alone with associates to train and coach and perfect. But it turns out that after a day or two of that, I've got the Christmas withdrawals. Suddenly I missed the chaos, confusion and exhaustion? (Yeah. Don't ask.) But with all that craziness gone, it left Ken and I a lot of time to focus on the pregnancy. BAH! Whatever! It left us a lot of time to focus on me!

As you all know, I am so lucky/blessed (whatever you wanna call it...) to have a husband that is obsessed with me no matter what shape or size I am. And believe me, he has seen me at 115 pounds right on up to my heaviest at 170...that was non-pregnant by the way. So, now, when I feel like a walrus and not so much like a gazelle, all he wants to do is take pictures of me. He's like, always there with the camera. Always.

And whereas that can be/is a huge pain in the rear, 29 weeks was pretty good to me (no matter how long it ended up being). So I let him have at it! This week has been one big photo shoot. Starting with a trip to Gap Maternity where I got TONS of stuff for less than $100. I mean, come on people, you can't beat that! My final inventory on that particular spree: 2 lightweight sweaters, 2 black dresses (one for our special night out and one for my baby shower), 1 long sleeve t-shirt and a basic white cami (a must for any pregnant woman). All that for under $100. Yeah, I pretty much rock. Ken loved me in the clothes so much, that again, there he was with the camera! Surprise, surprise. And at first I was not excited, but then, I realized that even if I feel like a beached whale, I don't necessarily look like a beached whale. So here's our mini-shoot:

Picking out some goodies

Big Night Out Dress

Looked a lot better in the pic than in real life...believe me.

Tip of the week straight from me to you? I will not shop anywhere but Gap Maternity for clothes. I have been unimpressed with the selection at places like Motherhood Maternity and Target...those stores take me to a bad place with bright lights and prods and really scary people dressed in elastic waistband pants with fat feet. (Did that description seem over the top? I didn't think so...) And I have been shell shocked by stores like A Pea in a Pod and the boutique-style places that charge an arm and a leg for a friggin' t-shirt. (Yeah, I'm probably not going to pay $40 for that pair of underpants...I'll figure out another way to CMOA...) So, if you want stylish maternity clothing at a decent price (that will hold up through enormous amounts of laundering...), shop at The Gap. Bam. Tip of the week.

Ken and I decided go out for New Year's Day to one of our favorite places...The Melting Pot! We've gone there through the years for special occasions and we figured that "special occasion dinners" might be seeing a slight decrease in the days/months/years to come. So, why not make it a special occasion, get dressed up and go out?!

The Final Result

And in heels...

Big Daddy and Me

The cheese is the best part! It was a combination of fontina, brie and gruyere with bacon, cream, white wine and chives! YUM!

Ken's favorite part is the main course...and we didn't like it at all.

Since we were close to Lenox Mall, we decided to stop by and see what was good...except the mall was closed...except for Macy's! (And you know my saying, "If you can't find it at Macy's or Bath and Body Works, you probably don't need it"...I'm so wise.) Soooooo, we went into Macy's and I got some new foundation, eyeshadow and a foundation brush at the Estee Lauder counter. A 'fabulous' guy helped me find exactly what I needed in about 5 minutes and was super friendly...thank goodness for gay men!

Ken and the camera

Again...

Once more please!

Thought of the week: "I used to dance all night in these heels...but honey, can you carry me to the car?" Add about 50 pounds to your body and suddenly those FMP's (if you need clarification as to what FMP means, let-me-know...) seem like a better doorstop than a fashion statement.

On a more serious note, there are a few things that I need to document:

1) This baby moves ALL THE TIME! He dances around in my belly day and night. Ken holds me at night (which is better explained in #2) and tells me how much the baby kicked and stretched all night long. It's the coolest thing ever. And I have to say that I am relieved! 'What to Expect' tells you to do fetal movement tests  in the morning and at night. But I haven't had to really "do them" because he moves constantly. Thank, God!

2) My back pain at night is getting pretty severe. Since our mattress topper is not here yet (...thanks to the jerk-faces at Amazon!) and I have this idea that the mattress topper will alleviate of all my aching back pain, I have had to get creative. I sleep in a fetal position with a pillow between my legs...it kinda looks like this (except I'm not a man...) and then I have Ken support me from the back my spooning me really hard so as to apply a good amount of pressure to my sagging spine (Gee. I bet my spine wouldn't sag if I had my super-cool memory foam mattress topper, now would it, AMAZON!?!?! Do ya think we can get it here BEFORE I have this baby!?!?! Do ya!?!? Huh????)

3) I can no longer work 5 days in a row. 4 days in a row on my feet is all I can handle. 5 days in a row with, let's face it, an hour break if you're lucky...just ain't cuttin' it. By the third day my hips are practically disconnecting and my feet are like broken clay pots. Not a pretty picture. So, I have to be careful with how I make the schedule at work from now on. 

4) I got this AMAZING book on nursing at Barnes and Noble! It's called The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding by La Leche League International. For any moms who are considering nursing, this is a great book! It is also completely supportive of natural childbirth without medication. (And I am not going to lie. I have been FREAKING OUT! about natural childbirth and labor in general.) There is an amazing line in the book about how a woman's body will only do what she can handle during labor. Since contractions are muscle movements, any woman's muscles will only contract to the point where our bodies can tolerate it (...just like when you work out and lift heavy weights, you can only push your muscles so far before they give out). It's not like you will pass out from the intense pain. And I think it is so important to trust your body. When women start being induced or medicated, a chemical is added to your body that makes your body do what it is not ready to do. Of course, I understand the need for medication. But in 99% of childbirths? Really? Is that necessary or is it just convenient? Anyhow, I found all this information extremely reassuring and comforting. "By trusting my body and my labor coach (Ken), this pregnancy will be a natural, non-medicated success" (this is my mantra for the next 2-3 months...).

Me at Barnes and Noble with my Chai Tea Latte...and what-do-ya-know!?!? Ken's there to capture the moment!

5) My breasts are leaking! Which means they are getting ready to nurse! I am excited about this for a couple of reasons:  

                   1) My itty-bitty-titty-committee tatas serve a purpose! They work! I told Ken that I feel fertile...I feel alive and purposeful. Ok, I even told him that I feel like the Mesopotamian Valley at the begining of civilization because...

                   2) I am going to feed my child as God intended (God willing...) and as women have been doing for thousands upon thousands of years. There is nothing more primal than knowing you can nourish your baby. I read stories and excerpts from women who have nursed and I cry every time. They are so touching...because the connection between You and Baby becomes real and tangible. I pray that there are no hiccups when my baby arrives and that I am able to breastfeed him. It is a blessing to be able to share that with your child.

Ok! Alright! I guess I'll be done now! I feel like I have covered everything (and more!) that anyone could ever possibly need to know about my 29th week. I go for my gestational diabetes test on Tuesday...I hope all goes well...and I am sure it will because the only reassuring thing my doctor ever tells me is that I'm a pleasure because she doesn't have to have the heart-pressure/poor health convos every time I come in for a visit. But you never know! And the insurance insists that you play it safe, so be it. 

I hope everyone has an amazing New Year!

Our (Better Late Than Never!) Christmas Blog!

Yeah, so? We did it. We put a bow on my belly and took a picture. Don't judge.

For Christmas this year, Ken and I decided to spend the day together at home (big surprise, eh?) and enjoy each others company. 

We had gone kind of skimpy on Christmas gifts for one another for the past few years...one year we even just exchanged ornaments...so that Ken's kids would have more stuff under the tree. With Marcella, Nigel and Devin all working hard and going to school, we decided to just give them money. I mean, that's what they really want anyway! 

Don't you remember when Grandma gave you a gazillion STICKERS for Christmas one year and all you could think was, "Dangit. I would've liked the $5 she spent on these stupid things..." (Wait. Maybe that was just my childhood...WHEN I WAS 12!) Or what about when your Aunt gave you a $100 savings bond (crowd: "Ooooh! Aaaah!" Not.), and all you could think about in your selfish little heart was, "Geez. I'd have settled for 20 bucks cash." Well, that is why we decided to give the kids money this year...and insist that they not give us any gifts in return...(My thought process? Why are you buying me a present if I am giving you money???)

The flip side is that Ken and I went all out on Christmas this year for ourselves and the house. I've had a good year financially...got a raise and a bonus...and Ken has spoiled me ROTTEN (I know what you're thinking! As if I wasn't rotten enough already...) all year long (i.e. A new wardrobe when I lost 25 pounds, a trip to the Keys to show off my bangin-bikini-wearing body, a second trip to the Keys for my birthday and a second coughcough-and third-coughcough wardrobe when we found out that I was pregnant.) So I really wanted to go all out for him for Christmas. 

I know it isn't about the gifts, people! Ok? I get that. But Ken and I live very simply and work very hard so as to enjoy ourselves when we feel like it. And I wanted to spoil my man a little bit! Plus, if you have ever read the book about the 5 love languages you know that giving and receiving gifts is a way some people (ME) show love. Ken is an "acts of kindness" kind of guy. But I am all about buying you a thoughtful gift straight from the heart. I mean, I traded my life for the money to pay for that gift...I ain't just tryin' to buy you a gift card!

Ken opening his presents

Steph: "Ken, hold up the little bottle so we can see how cute it is!"  Remmy: "Is it for me and/or can I eat it?"

Burberry London...my signature fragrance

Mommy opening her stocking. Remmy checking to make sure nothing in there is for her.

 We also tend to go all out for the dog. I mean, she's pretty much like a kid to us anyways! So, Remmy had a really nice Christmas...actually she had starting scouting her stocking well in advance. We had to move it because that rotten dog wanted to sneak treats out of it before Christmas! (Poor, Ken. He has the greediest women in his life...) I think we both had more fun helping Remmy open her gifts than we did opening our own. (Which goes to show how pointless buying Christmas presents for one another can be...)

Daddy is bringing her the "INFAMOUS STOCKING OF JOY!!!!"

Mommy helps her unload the stash...

Mommy: "Look, Remmy! Look at the treaty-treats!" Remmy: "Yeah, yeah. What else ya got in the sock?"

A new collar! (Ken picked pink so people would stop asking, "What's his name?")

Remmy: "ballsballsballsballsballsballsballsballsballs!"

Remmy's Goodies

Playing with her new toys

Treats! (Notice Ken's new sweater...)

Grandma Dennie and Deanna came over. And of course...Grandma Dennie brought treats for Remmy.

Remmy's new anti-burp dish. Because it sits up higher, it is supposed to alleviate intestinal gas problems...Remmy really likes it! She ran over to it every 5 minutes to make sure it was still there.

Remmy after her Christmas bath on Tuesday. Yeah. That didn't last. 

Such joy!

Pooped after an exciting day!

Ken and I decided to get a couple of things for the house that we had been wanting for awhile. I knew that if we didn't get them this year, they would go on the back burner with the baby right around the corner. So! I bought 'em!

Cast iron tea pot with tea-light burner. We figured we'll be spending a lot of time upstairs with the baby and we really enjoy our tea. Therefore, we thought this was a great option so we don't have to traipse up and down the stairs every time we want a cup of tea. It's very cool and kinda sexy lookin'...

J. A. Henckels knife set...twin signature! Only the best for my baby! 

 Mom and Deanna came over to exchange gifts as well. Mom bought a ton of stuff for Christian! I don't think that child shall want for anything. I told her not to shop for me since I didn't really need anything...except a hand-vac! She got me my hand vacuum! (I know it's not very exciting. Ok? But it's what I wanted! Appliances make me very happy...wait. That didn't sound right. But I think we all know what I mean...)

His crib bedding and extra  sheets, a baby bag, and boppy with cover...not to mention the crib she purchased along with the mattress.

Christian's first ornament!

My mom explaining how a nursing gown works...I was seriously confused. I thought my mom had bought me lingerie.

Steph: "So you can just whip it out any time????" Remmy: "Ugh. So boring."

And that was our Christmas in a nutshell! We didn't have any sort of elaborate dinner because mom brought brunch and we stuffed ourselves. I simply cooked the most amazing mac-and-cheese and we enjoyed our Honey Baked Ham. 

Quite a simple day, but quite enjoyable! I will miss my quiet holidays shared by Ken and myself. These past 5 years have been exactly what I have always dreamed of...a simple life, shared with my husband...but not just a husband; a partner, a companion and confidant. Christian will be all the joy we could ever hope for, but I will miss it being "just the two of us". I hope we never forget what made us "us"...

Peaceful Thoughts and Dreams

Years from now, and not that many, I see my son playing with his trains and cars around the Christmas tree as Ken and I watch him in all his joy. I see the brightness in his eyes being enough to fill my heart...without presents, without things, without superficial clutter. This boy will be my hero with his genuine smile, his gracious spirit and his pure heart. He will be my reason. And Ken and I will look at one another with complete content, knowing we created the only redemption we ever needed. Because this child will not be just any child; he will be ours. And he might just save his mommy's soul. Three months seems too far away to have little Christian here. But he is always with me...moving, twisting, exploring, growing...reminding me that humanity is within my very being and that there is much hope to be had.

Do you remember Laura Bennett from Project Runway's third season? Well, if not, here's a picture of her with her children. While the program was being filmed she was pregnant, married to an older man (which you know I love), the mother of four rambunctious boys and one girl and also a finalist on the show. When she was sent home during the last few weeks to complete her final line for the runway, Tim, the show's moderator, visited her "humble" abode in Manhattan. And this image, this snippit from the show, has stayed fresh in my mind now for several years. It is an idea that Ken and I often speak of because it is exactly how we see our son:
Tim walks in the house and is bombarded with excited little boys eager to have the attention of a visitor (you know, visitors are very exciting for children!). A couple of the little boys are running around trying to find the family pet (a turtle) who is M.I.A.somewhere within the house (Tim is obviously a little unnerved by this fact), and another little boy (a toddler) is running up to Tim, hiney out of his pants, with a handful of turtle poop to show him (at this point, Tim is looking for the exit). Neither of the parents are overly concerned with the situation. After all, what can you expect? Boys will be boys.

This image, this little moment from an otherwise pointless program, has been the way I see my son. Ass out of his pants, running around trying to find a wayward turtle loose in the house and more than a little excited about turtle droppings discovered along the way (surprise!).

My son will be whatever he wants to be. He will do what amplifys his strengths. He will undoubtedly mess up along the way and even grow weary of my advice. But first and foremost, he will be my son; my troublesome, dirty, quirky (because let's face it, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree...), cuddly, squirmy little boy.

Having these ideas of what Christian will be like, I discovered a song that will now, forever and always be his song. For those of you who have little boys, I can't think of a more appropriate Christmas tune. Listen and enjoy! Ken and I wish you the best Christmas that money can't buy...may you be blessed with peace and mercy.
Christian's Christmas Song

7 months...Third trimester, here I come! And look, Remmy's in the picture! (As usual...)

Back Pain and Lullabys

The past couple of weeks have been kind of like the doldrums of pregnancy. It's like you're stuck right smack in the middle and you're starting to have some serious pregnancy issues and you know...it's only gonna get worse. I did have a couple of humorous things happen, however.

First thing, a little boy (probably about 6 or7) shopping with his mom in my store kept looking at me. He finally came up to me and asked, "How pregnant are you?" and I said, "I'm 6 and a half months pregnant." He makes this face like he doesn't believe me, so I asked (because I am a glutton for punishment),  "How pregnant did you think I was?" He responds, "Oh, I thought you were at least 8 months." His mom was mortified (and apologetic). Me? I wasn't upset at all. So I responded with, "I feel at least 8 months."

And then the strangest little memory came to mind. I remembered the first day of kindergarten in Mrs.Smith's class. She was wearing a printed overall/jumper. You know the ones...especially if you grew up in the early 90's. I mean, they were everywhere and I still have no clue what grown women were doing wearing them. Remember the super poofy Slater pants with the tapered leg turned into overalls? Yeah. They were bad. So anyways, I digress. That is what she was wearing on the first day of kindergarten. Apparently, I thought she looked pregnant so I asked her. I said, "Mrs.Smith, are you pregnant?" She looked at me skeptically and said, "No." To which I most graciously asked, "Are you sure?" Mrs. Smith immediately shot me the "I'm-lighting-you-on-fire-in-my-mind" look because unbeknownst to me, I had just offended her. (Yeah, I really had no idea that I had offended her...she looked pregnant! Maybe she didn't know! Geez. I was being helpful...)

25 weeks...and yes, I am pregnant...not that you had any questions.

So, my point in telling that story is to point out the fact that I completely deserved the innocent comment from the little boy. I did however, get a not so innocent comment from a woman shopping in my store. She asked if I was having twins. About 50 different come-backs popped into my brain...not a one was uttered...BUT! Again, I totally deserved that, I am sure. 

My back is in serious pain. Sleeping is hard to do because I am constantly rolling and turning and tossing in bed trying to find a comfortable position (of which I am here to tell you, "THERE IS NONE!"). Poor Ken. It's a wonder he manages to stay in the bed with me. We bought a memory foam mattress topper...that has yet to arrive from Amazon. But I keep thinking that the more I can endure the better. Especially if I am planning on having little Christian naturally (still waiting on my Bradley method workbook from Amazon as well...geez Amazon. Get it together!).

I have found out that no matter how "healthy" you are (when I say "healthy", I mean fat), it is really easy to become dehydrated. Dehydrated is something that will kick your butt. Dehydrated is the super reality check. Yeah. I will have to be very careful with that one. 

On the upside (yes, even though I complain constantly there is an upside!), Christian has been moving around like a madman and the doctor says that that is a good sign. I love feeling him with me all day. He is my constant reality check. If I start to freak out about something that seems important (but probably isn't), Christian gives me a good kick in the guts and I remember to relax a smidge. I truly cannot believe he will be here in 3 and a half months. We haven't bought the first thing for him. Is that horrible? I mean, we just haven't had time. Plus, after-Christmas deals should be pretty awesome, you know?

I am really happy about being a mom. I mean, I have dreamed of this boy for a long time. Literally. Lullabys  are very important to me. My mom actually wrote me a lullaby and sang it to me every night until I left her house. When I spend the night at her place even now, I can usually count on her singing it to me. I will write the lyrics...
"Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep little Stephanie. Get some rest for the best, so you can grow so strong. You're Mommy's little munchkin from heaven above. You're Daddy's little pumpkin to have and hold and love. We love you, oh yes we do. Oh how we love you our little Stephanie. You're the best of all the rest and we thank God for you."
 Now, isn't that sweet? I mean, it's so special to me. I want Christian to have something special like that, too. Sooooo...I have been singing a certain song since I first heard it. It's about a mom who is sending her love to her little boy from the road while on tour. But it is a song that has stayed with me since I was 18 years old. It's like I knew I was going to have a little boy even then. And when I met Ken I sang it to him and told him that that would be my child's lullaby. Now I can't even sing it without crying. Every time I try, I get this overwhelming sense that I am unworthy of such a life, such a love. I don't know why God has entrusted me with something as precious as this child, but I swear to sing to him every night the way my mom did for me.
Christian's Song