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| Mother and Son. Divinity in its' purest form. |
It's t-minus one week until I return to work. I feel bittersweet about going back. I mean, I like my job, but I've really enjoyed my time with Christian, too. When I first got pregnant I felt positive that I would return to work; no questions asked. But after reading "The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding", I felt differently. I thought that if nursing your child was the most important thing in the world (and it is to me...), then I needed to remain home with the baby at all costs for the first year of Christian's life. Then I realized that I am no good at being home. I tend to lazy around the house watching movies and laying in bed. I'm not the kind of person who will go start a project outside or even get up and get dressed without someplace to be. Hey! Don't judge. I am who I am (And at least I know it...).
But that doesn't mean that I'm not nervous about going back to work; because I am. Here's why:
1) I'm afraid that I will lose my milk supply because I won't be able to pump the way I need to. Where there are laws protecting my right to pump at work, I am a friggin' store manager. I am responsible for an entire store and am not usually afforded the same luxuries I afford my associates.
2) I'm nervous that Christian will struggle under the care of someone else. It's not that I don't trust Ken or my mom...it's that I am the type of person who would rather just do something myself. Instead of letting someone try and diagnose the reason behind Christian's random meltdowns, I'd rather tell you why he's upset and just fix it. I'm the mommy. I know my kid. We've been stuck together like glue for two months! Even when he's tired of me and wants the attention and amusement from someone else, I'm still the mommy! I'm the only one who can comfort him with my breast...I have the magic. And I hate to relinquish that.
3) I'm scared that I've done Christian a disservice by not putting him on a schedule, and in turn have done a disservice to his caretaker. He gets up when he wakes up. He naps when he's tired. He eats when he wants to eat and I feed him when I want to feed him. Therefore, we spend a large portion of the day with his mouth latched onto my breast (because it's not just about hunger; it's about comfort). I ended up being a lot more loosey-goosey with Christian than I thought I would be. I thought I would be some super military-like mom who had a regimented schedule that never waivered...well, I haven't been...like, at all. And I more than a little frightened at how he'll cope with someone who demands he be on their schedule instead of them on his.
4) I'm dreading the amount of sleep that I know I will receive even less of. It's inevitable that Christian will have all-nighters where he's inconsolable and wailing at the top of his lungs. But until now he's slept with me and Ken. And when he stirs in the night, I let him suckle. I don't really sleep...I just kind of rest because I hear EVERY NOISE HE MAKES. I'm afraid to let him sleep in his bassinet because I know he will just cry for a long time anyways (So why not just get him out of his bassinet and let him nurse?!). I can't stand to hear him cry. It breaks my heart. And what kind of lesson am I teaching him by letting him cry it out? Or am I instilling a schedule by allowing him to cry himself to sleep? I am so confused...
5) I will miss my time with my son. I will miss holding him and kissing him and napping with him at any time of the day. I will miss our mornings together...they are his happy time. I will miss nursing him when I just want to bond with him. I will miss his eyes and his hands and his cooing and his grunting and the little faces he makes. I know that I will still have those moments when we are together and that our time together will be quality time, but thinking about a day where I only get to see him for a few hours hardly seems fair. I'm crying just thinking about it.
I wish I could freeze time; just make it stop. I wish he wouldn't get any bigger and that he would stay forever the way he is! Time is slipping...slipping right through my fingers. And I can't stop it. Have I wasted a moment? Dear God, I hope not.
If you're reading this and you pray, please pray for me. I am so insecure and afraid right now.
Here's what I think....There is no way possible for him to be on a schedule at his age. He is going to be hungry when he's hungry and going sleep, smile and cry when he wants. I would give it a few months before your too worried about schedule.
ReplyDeleteHim sleeping in your bed and I hope I am not the only one to think this BUT I don't think it does any good. The way I see it is if he crys now when he is in his bassinet he will only cry harder further down the road when you try to get him out of your bed.
Thats my food for thought! Enjoy every second until you go back to work!! And by the way everyones opinion is just that so whatever you decide... YOUR HIS MAMA =)
DEF praying for you. I cannot IMAGINE how you feel having to leave him for work and I know it'll be tough for you, at least at first. I agree with Charlene about sleeping in the room. Kye is a SUPER loud sleeper and we didn't sleep well AT ALL with him in his bassinet in our room. We did much better once he was in his own room. I KNOW it's hard to hear him cry. I know it seems silly right now to put him on a schedule, but honestly it's easier now than it will be later. The older he gets the tougher it'll be to put him in his own bed, let him cry, etc. It is SO HARD but I promise it is also worth it!!! I wish you could spend a few days with Kye and see the benefits of a child on a schedule, I promise it'd change your mind!!! :)
ReplyDeleteI will pray for you! I am sure it will be tough but you can do it. You're strong willed enough to keep to what you know is best for you and Christian. Best of luck :)
ReplyDeleteAwww I remember those feelings! It will get easier! I think you going back to work is a great time to start a good schedule! Regular feeding times, napping times, and so forth! Now that he is 2 months+ having him on a schedule will make it MUCH easier for you and him, and will probably result in less crying it out scenes because his body will adjust to schedule and know what to expect! I do agree with all above! Sorry!! As much as I understand every reason you have for him sleeping in the bed with you, now that you are going back to work and possibly starting a schedule, I would add sleeping in his own room to the list too! You will find it SO much easier in the next few months. Before you know it you will have a 2 year old in the bed with you! I know, it happened to my sister! And put a huge strain on their marriage! Just my friendly advice! BUT You are his mommy, and of course only you know what is best! Good luck! =o) will be keeping you in my prayers too!
ReplyDeletePraying for you mommy, as always. I know you, and I know you will figure out what works best for you. Until then, you know I will do my best to make it as easy as possible. Besides, you have to come back to work - think of all the Auntie M spoiling that Christian would miss out on if you didn't!!! And you know folding some shirts is the cure for everything :) Love.
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